When making plans or final arrangements, either for yourself or your loved one, what questions do you have about what you need and/or want? Do you know your options? Do you know if your local funeral provider is still family owned or now corporate? Did your mom or dad prepay for their arrangements ahead of time and are you wondering if the funeral home even exists anymore?
The end of life planning process can feel incredibly daunting, especially if you are caught without being able to plan in advance and emotions are heightened with grief and/or shock. However, the process does not have to be so daunting. Similar to the process of being an advocate in your own healthcare or for someone else, it simply requires a little forethought and also knowing that you actually have choices. I posted about this elsewhere last week and thought it might be helpful to post here with a few more thoughts added. (The image above is actually from a pet crematorium, yet I liked the inscription so I thought I would include it).
I think that many people do not believe they have choices and/or can question some of the charges or “suggestions” made by a funeral director. And, when your emotions are high, the brain isn’t able to function as it normally does, thus things may seem to “make sense” that otherwise would not if you were not overcome with grief.
I had the most informative meeting with a funeral director yesterday… the first thing I learned is that the funeral business is a commission-based business for most employees, especially those in a corporate funeral home. Thus, to have an opportunity to hear some of the insider tips was quite a privilege and I shall not name the dear gentleman with whom I met. He shared with me many useful tips, some of which I had already known from my work with families in hospice. However, I was pleased to also learn a few new pieces of information. Such as, in some of the corporate-owned funeral homes and crematoriums, the staff are paid only by commission. (Is that even legal in California?). I guess this is a type of at-will employment, yet being in any business that is commission only can lead some to use subtle and not-so-subtle forms of pressure or manipulation.
First~ US Federal law requires that prices be provided over the phone….and those prices can vary widely from one funeral home to another, even in the same neighborhood. Do you know that you do not have to have a traditional funeral or burial? There are many who are having funerals at home, yes, with a viewing… or even at an outdoor location (checking with proper authorities first, of course). Again, even if you are only planning for cremation, you will find there is a significant range for prices for similar products…you do not have to choose an urn the funeral home provides, you can take your loved one’s ashes home in the plastic container the crematory provides to transport the ashes and use your own. Also, ask around and find out if the funeral home has a cooler (if they don’t then they will require embalming) and if they contract with a crematory what the name is.
Second~ I was always told that it is helpful to have arrangements pre-made and pre-paid. Some say that paying in advance leaves you at risk of losing your investment should the funeral home go out of business. However, this is not true. Pre-Need Agreements, governed by the laws where you live, require that your money be returned to you if this is the case. You can have your arrangements transferred to another funeral home if this is the case OR if your first choice is no longer your first choice.
Third~ Veterans who are eligible, can be buried in a National Cemetery, along with their spouse. So, when a cemetery or funeral home talks about the special “Veterans section” of the cemetery you can pay for, it is another way for them to make money. If you or your loved one served and meet the requirements, it means you do not have to pay. However, this is one arrangement you cannot make in advance, due to the nature of certain criteria.
Fourth~ Environmentally or economically friendly options…. when I first heard of the concept of a rented casket for viewing, I thought “Ewwww!” However, it is a very sanitary and reasonably priced option for some, just ask. There is also a growing movement of eco-friendly funerals and home based funerals. You do not have to be embalmed, nor do you have to be buried or scattered in the “traditional way”. (By the way, if your loved one dies in a nursing or long term care community, contrary to what the nurse or staff may tell you, they do not have to be removed “within 4 hours”….that is another post for another day)
Lastly~ on another note… if for some reason your loved one dies in a hospital or facility and you are unable to be there or were unaware they had even died, some places will send the body to a funeral home they choose. This may not necessarily be one you are interested in working with. There are scenarios when the funeral home will attempt to charge the next of kin to transfer to another funeral home…as much as $600-700. However, if you did not give the hospital or facility (written or verbal) permission to use a specific funeral home, then you are not required to pay that fee!
Fun fact from an interesting article I read recently: “Sure, you can store ashes in an urn or scatter them somewhere special, but nowadays you can also have them crushed into a real diamond, integrated into an underwater coral reef, or blasted into space.” Or, have your/your loved one’s ashes pressed into an album! I learned a lot in my brief visit and came home with a catalog that includes the most beautiful jewelry!
To learn more, use searchwords: insider tips funeral industry eco-funeral home funeral. Being or getting prepared does not have to be a daunting process. You might find that you even enjoy learning about the various options and choices you do have!
Final tip~ if you are unable to make arrangements for your loved one ahead of time, have a dear friend who can go with you to meet with the funeral home and while making arrangements.