As we begin a new year, many adults are thinking about what their aging parents or elderly loved ones’ needs will be towards the end of life. Like Rob Lowe, many report feeling blindsided by the reality of what it takes financially, physically and emotionally to ensure loved ones are safe and their needs are met. During and after holidays families often come face to face with those realities~ as they notice changes and question what is normal aging and where they might need to step in or be more attentive. Those who live far away or do not see loved ones frequently will likely notice changes that siblings or family and friends closer to home do not.
Caring for a loved one (or preparing for our own end-of-life experience) can be stressful and overwhelming at times. Even if Advanced Directives are complete, talking about details and questions to fill out the rest of the picture for everyone is helpful. By having honest conversations, creating a plan in advance that you put in writing, and ensuring those who need to know what is included and important (and to who) you and your loved ones will find greater ease and, hopefully, greater peace of mind.
Are you putting off having a conversation with your aging parent or getting clear on your own wishes?
If so, you are not alone. In a survey by the California Healthcare Foundation~ “Fully 82% of respondents said it was “very important” or “somewhat important” to put their wishes in writing, but only 23% actually had done so.” Similarly, a high percentage have not actually communicated to their loved ones the details of their final wishes.
The culture is slowly changing~ with endeavors such as The Conversation Project and others (including more creative approaches such as Death Café and Death over Dinner) the numbers of those who have conversations and put their wishes in writing are steadily increasing. The recent uptick in the number of websites, blogs, organizations and collaboratives focused on improving end-of-life care reflects this desire for information, tools and forums for caregivers and those with a terminal diagnosis.
Whether you are thinking about care for someone you love or for yourself, it is important to be realistic about what your needs might actually be. “At least 70% of people over 65 will need some form of long term care services and support at some point.” (Pg. 63, 2014 Medicare & You, National Medicare Handbook. Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, September 2013.) Long term care services include both in-home care and care at an assisted living or other senior focused community.
You are not alone and you don’t have to go it alone.
In the U.S. there are 34 million adults caring for someone aged 50 and older; anywhere from 59-75% of those caregivers are female. The majority of care is provided by a spouse, seconded by female adult children. It bears mentioning again~ the impact on caregivers can be significant.
A question to begin: Where do you want to spend your final days?
Approximately 70% of people of people wish to die comfortably and peacefully at home; the most common wish stated is: “I want to go to sleep in my own home and never wake up.” However, the reality is that the number of people in the U.S. who die in a hospital or acute care setting remains almost equal to that.
Each family is unique; there is not a one-size-fits-all approach to these conversations. (Yes, you will probably need to have more than one.) What is required of you is simple~ have the courage to face your fears, look into what your own desires are, and create an opening. Looking at our own wishes and plans for end of life, a recent loss in the family or community, or a sudden illness or accident can provide that opening to begin.
Over the next several posts, I will share some of the concerns that typically arise when caring for aging parents and loved ones, and offer some resources where you can learn both how to support them and yourself. Preparation is key. I like to compare the process of being prepared to how one prepares for a marathon. In some cases you might be in it for a very brief period, finding yourself in a sprint. Yet, it is more likely that your journey will be over many months or even years. Taking steps to prepare so that you can sustain yourself for the journey on many levels~ physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually will allow you to move with greater ease.
What are some questions you have or topics you would like addressed? Please feel free to submit a comment below or send me a message!